Sam & Max Are Freelance Fuckers
by TheBitchCartoonist
Summary: What have I done?


Sam and Max, the Freelance Police, were driving around the city looking for crime to stop. The streets were perp-free, for the most part. There were no robberies or assaults taking place. Not even a diabolical villain with aspirations for world domination.

Max slumped down in his seat and grew bored of the boring ride. Then, out of nowhere, a dead orphan duck hit the windshield. The duck slid into Sam's open hand. "Look, little buddy! Duck for dinner! I know how it's your favorite."

"Mmmm. . ." was all that Max said, along with other suggestive noises while he imagined eating the drips of drool fell into his lap, the duck's eyes suddenly shot open all glowy.

"What the-?" Sam clutched the duck's neck and swung it around, killing it for good. Then he threw it in the back seat. "That's so strange. That's the fourth zombie animal we've seen today. I don't think that duck is safe to eat."

Max nodded his head in agreement. "You're right, Sam. It's a very bad idea, and anyone who even thinks about eating it is a complete moron." He stared at the duck for a good five minutes before finally picking it up and slowly putting it towards his mouth.

Sam flicked Max on the nose. "No, Max. That duck is deadly. I don't want you dying or mutating on me or anything."

"How dare you touch my nose YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Max began beating up Sam with the duck, which caused them both to be covered in duck blood.

"Hey! Ow! Cut that out, Max!" Sam couldn't pay attention to driving. He started swerving uncontrollably, almost hitting several poles and pedestrians.

Max shoved the duck in his face some more until he realized he was driving like shit. He sat in Sam's lap and began driving himself. "DON'T WORRY, SAM!" He slammed on the gas pedal and went furiously fast down the road. Max hit an elderly couple that was crossing the road, and then took a sharp turn into an orphanage and killed a lot of depressed children. Unfortunately, this caused heavy damage to their car, including large dents and a blazing fire on the hood.

The airbags burst open, slapping Sam right in the face. They had no effect on Max, for he was practically invincible. As the rabbit happily bounced out of the car, the dog could feel an approaching headache. He started to taste his own blood, and he sighed, "Nice work, Chowderhead. Our car is wrecked, and now we're going to be held responsible for the mess you caused."

"Who said 'we'?" Max smirked, doing a backflip and killing two more orphans.

"You know, 'we', as in 'both of us'. We were both involved. One of us more involved than the other."

Max was now almost completely drenched in orphan blood. "Let's just walk away as if nothing ever happened."

"No! You have to take responsibility for your actions! I'm tired of getting in trouble for all the shit you cause!" Sam scolded, "Start acting more mature!"

"Max gave a devilish smirk and snapped his fingers. The sun turned into the moon, making it night and leaving a bright ray of moonlight to fall upon Max. He was no longer covered in blood, and he had Elvis hair, Elvis clothes, and a beautiful red rose between his teeth. Lit candles poofed out of nowhere and surrounded the scene, and romantic music could be heard in the distance. "Exactly how mature are we talking about here~?"

Sam stared at him with a weird, scrunched-up face. Even though Max looked totally hot and he could already feel the blood rushing to his dick, he said, "Max, that's not what I meant, and you know it."

Max tackled hugged Sam and stuck to his torso. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Sam."

Sam grunted, but it was half playful. He felt his anger wash away. Sam blushed and became even more turned on when Max hugged tighter and snuggled into his chest.

He stood on Sam's crossed arms and covered his mouth, cheeks, and neck with wet, sloppy kissies. He left a little spit where his rabbit lips met with his dog skin/fur, but no one really cared because that sort of thing happens in porn all the time. Anyways, after Sam was totally turned the fuck on, Max jumped down onto the ground and rubbed his whole face into Sam's plentiful groin.

Normally, Sam would not approve of this naughty behavior out in public, but the brain damage caused by the air bag and the sexy smell of orphans burning in the explosion caused by their car at that moment changed his mind. He stopped Max for a moment so that he could loosen his own belt. Then he unzipped his pants, and they fell to the ground. He had a thong underneath. A silky, purple one. Totally manly.

Meanwhile, Sybil Pandemik was walking home from Bosco's Inconvenience with baby needs, food, and nuclear warheads for the upcoming zombie apocalypse. "I hope Abe's okay. He's been having trouble taking care of the baby on his own," she wondered to herself, "Didn't he and Mary ever have-" She dropped the groceries next to her on the ground after she was cut short by the strangest scene she'd ever seen.

The streets were filled with luminous candles, the moon was fapping, the orphanage was on fire and littered with bodies and blood, and the strangest part of all: Sam, who was naked except for a white button-up shirt that was halfway off and the purple thong, and Max, who was dressed like Elvis, were passionately making sweet love while being surrounded by rats and cockroaches. They were either clapping, cheering, or recording it on camera.

Sybil's mouth stood agape, and her nose started bleeding. She had not expected to see this on her way home. However, she was also extremely aroused, and she began to have mini-orgasms. She was a yaoi fangirl and had always known, and hoped, that the Freelance Police were gay lovers.

Sam and Max noticed her 'gasm gasps and turned to look at her. Sam quickly pushed off Max and covered himself, stuttering, "Sybil?! I-It's not what it looks like, I swear! W-We were just-"

"No need to explain yourself, Sam," Sybil said tiredly. She cleared her throat and calmed herself. "In fact, why don't you two just keep at it?" She pulled a big, comfy chair and a bag of popcorn out of her boob cleavage and made herself comfortable.

Max shook his head. "This is SO fucked up. I like it!" Max pushed Sam onto the ground in front of the burnt-out husk of their car and climbed ontop of him, licking and biting his nipples and making Sam cry out in pleasure.

While Max began ripping off Sam's shirt, Sybil leaned over to get close. She shoved popcorn in her mouth as her eyes crossed and her face blushed. The blood rushing down her nose was coming down fast, and her nipples were now rock hard. She started squealing and drawing fanart to upload on DeviantArt and Tumblr.

After motorboating Sam's gigantic mantitties, Max licked up his throat to his chin. Max's butt rubbed against Sam's stiff dick stick and made it giggle(dicks can totally do that). Then, he ripped off his Elvis costume and showed off his totally real rock-hard abs and nippy nipples. Sam then jizzed so hard that all of his fur dissolved. The jizz shot up into the air and rained down upon everyone. Max and Sybil licked up each drop as they came down, and Sybil ripped off all her clothes and started dancing like Michael Jackson. Her boobs and vagina flaps jiggled in the wind as she performed each move and

Oh my fucking GODZILLA IS ATTACKING! HOLY SHIET WHAT ARE WE GON' DO 'BOUT DIS?!

Don't worry, guys! Sam and Max(plus that bitch Sybil) to the rescue! They put on some masks, and Sam got some katanas, Max got nunchuks, and Sybil got sais. No one got the bo staff, because sticks are for pussies. Anyways, Sybil threw her sais at Godzilla but missed because she's a woman and can't fight for shit. Sam threw his katanas and chopped off Godzilla's ballsack. Then, Max used his nunchuks to circumcise him, but he was already circumcised because Godzilla is Jewish. Then Sam and Max used their super long, fat penises to bitch-slap the shit out the giant monster. Sybil then used her vagina stench to knock him out, and he fell to the ground and knocked over a building. It's a good thing that Sybil, like other fangirls, doesn't have good hygiene.

But it turns out that Godzilla was pregnant! He pushed out an egg from his swelled-up mangina and then died. The egg hatched and Barney the Dinosaur came out! He wanted to molest everyone!

Barney ripped off Sybil's tits and lit their fuses, throwing them at Sam and Max and blew them up. Their bodies were blown apart, and their amputated dicks flew into the air and towards Barney. Their wonder weasels fell into Barney's mouth and got stuck in his throat. The city was saved when Barney died from choking.

But at what cost? The lives of three wonderful, innocent, sexy lives. They are now forever lost just to save the millions of men, women, and children that live in New York. When will the madness end, you ask? It starts with you, dear reader. Just remember this:

Always have your dick ready.


End file.
